I have been asked by some new widows and some others for whom the loss of a loved one has been recent – What can I do to make it through the holidays? I am not trying to over simplify this, but the real answer to this question is – Whatever brings YOU peace, comfort and joy. There is no deeper one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Also the deeper answer will change over time. So I want to start out with this statement to you – I hereby give you permission to do whatever brings YOU peace, comfort and joy this Christmas and New Years. Now I want you to pause and to give yourself the same permission.
Sometimes we get trapped in traditions and in the mind set of “what we are supposed to do”. I am reminded of the poster that says “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how things are supposed to be.” Who gets to decide what you are supposed to do, what traditions you are supposed to follow? For me, the answer to that question has become – “I do.” Taylor and I had many traditions as a couple. Some were even comforting for a while as I honored them without Taylor. And that is the point of traditions… to be comforting and familiar occurrences that keep us grounded. When a tradition brings more stress, sorrow and grief than comfort, I think it is OK to leave that tradition behind.
I can share with you how my strategies for dealing with the Holidays have evolved since I became a widow. My first Christmas without my husband happened just 4 days after his funeral. I don’t count that one, mainly because I have absolutely no memory of it. I was still in a very numb autopilot mode. My first real Christmas as a widow, we set a place for Taylor at the table. Since he had always bought me a Teddy Bear and a set of jewelry for Christmas every year, I bought myself a bear and jewelry and wrapped it to me from him. This was comforting to me as it was kind of like he was still participating. I wanted the tree and all of the lights and decorations, but Taylor always organized and ran those tasks; my nieces and I just participated. I couldn’t motivate myself to do “his job”, so my youngest niece got a group of friends together and they came over and put every thing up just as we, as a family, had done her whole life.
Last year I started to set a place for Taylor. Instead of feeling comforting that he was still acknowledged, it was a harsh reminder that he wasn’t there. So the place-setting and the chair were removed before the day was done. I put the tree up myself, but didn’t decorate it. Hanging all of the decorations would have caused me stress, not peace, comfort or joy. Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Savior, not about fulfilling stressful activities in the name of “Tradition”. So I gave myself permission to not go any further than putting the tree up. I went to Christmas Eve Service at our church again last year… because I wanted to go. Taylor came up in conversation several times as someone would recall a funny memory of him during past Christmases. That brought me peace, comfort and joy.
This year… This year I gave our Christmas Trees away to another couple. They hadn’t bought a tree yet and the small one was a perfect size for their young children. The memories of those trees had become more painful than comforting. So I bought a new tree that I picked out. I decorated the tree, not as we had always done, but as I just happened to do it this year. I hung the Christmas lights on my front porch and in my front yard. It looks absolutely nothing like the methodical and perfect way my Marine Corp husband always hung the lights. Since I know that I won’t remember to plug them in and then unplug them every night as Taylor did, I bought a timer for them. They aren’t perfect and straight, but they make me smile every night as I come down my street as I come home from work. And that is the point, right? Are you following me? They bring me peace, comfort and joy… and a silly smile at how upset Taylor would be at how un-straight and non-symmetrical the lights are in what was our front yard.
So what can you do to help you make it through the Holidays as unstressed and joyful as possible? Whatever will bring YOU the most peace, comfort and joy. This is your journey and no one else can tell you what will work for you. Remember that all of this will evolve over time too… just as the traditions with your husband and family evolved to where they were when he died.
Wishing you all peace, comfort and joy as we celebrate Christmas, the birth of our Savior, and then the wonderful start of new year.
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)
God Provides Grace and Humor 