There have been times when I could honestly tell you that I had Philippians 4:11-13 pretty under control. For the majority of my 30+ year walk with Christ, I think I had this contentment.
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I have worked jobs just barely over minimum wage and I have work six-figure jobs over the course of my adult life. I have owned a house and I have also been homeless. I remember about 25 years ago losing my job, and, in the cascade of events, my apartment also. Everything I owned fit into the hatchback of my car. I didn’t panic; I kept thinking “OK God, what are we going to do now? It is obvious I am moving. The question is just to where?” A family at church graciously took me in. There last child had just left for college and they had been praying over how to use their empty nest. I was definitely in need of a nest.
I was content as a single. I didn’t have the intention to marry. I was not looking for husband when Taylor found me. I had bought a piece of land and had a house built – exactly as I wanted it. I was content with myself and my freedom. That included my pink rose bathroom and my den fully decorated in teddy bears.
And then Taylor happened, and I was content as a wife. I embraced the role of wife more deeply and more fully than I ever would have expected. God didn’t bless us with children, but I fully embraced the role of Tia (aunt) in the lives of my nieces and nephews.
I have come to realize over the past few months that I am not content as a widow. I have said repeatedly that I lost my joy when Taylor died. No, I now realize that I lost contentment. I’m pretty sure it is not possible to have real joy in the midst of discontentment. How do I know I am not content as a widow? I get angry when I see others enjoying what was taken from me. That is important – not what I lost, or what I miss – I am angry about what was taken from me against my will. I miss my husband. I miss holding his hand. I miss riding on the motorcycle with him. I miss receiving flowers. And I am angry at all of those around me who still have these things.
I can hear many of my friends saying, “You need to find a new husband.”. First off, finding a new husband is not like shopping for a pair of shoes or a new hair style. I am not opposed to dating but I am not interested in it being a quest to replace Taylor. Further, how can I expect to be content with someone else when I am not content with this latest version of myself?
So, how do I move past this? Move past the anger. Move past the feeling that there is nothing left for me here. Move past the loneliness. First, by being thankful for what this season of life does have. I have met some incredible women on this journey of widowhood. I have a new job. I wrote and published a book. I am thriving in Seminary classes. There is a lot of good still in my life. I love the use of the same word – circumstances – in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-19.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not quench the Spirit.
Can you be content in all circumstances if you are not giving thanks in all circumstances? No. Before I can know what comes next for me, I need to be both content and thankful for where I am now. Then I can embrace the promise in John 16:22 –
God Provides Grace and Humor 